Chapter 1: Bubble Gum Blog
Many years ago I wanted start a blog about traveling with kids. A bubble gum type travel guide for parents with toddlers. I set up the blog, wrote a few articles but before I could publish any of them Molly got diagnosed with Cancer.
Chapter 2: Cancer Hope Blog
After diagnosis, an idea of traveling with kids became a distant dream, we were in survival world. I wrote to give hope, back of my mind thinking if I helped people, universe would pay me back by somehow sparing my wife from the dismal lung cancer survival rate. I made many new friends around the country, Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, Utah, Florida, etc. Almost forgot I was living with a ticking time bomb. Then in 2017 the bomb finally exploded, Molly ran out of options, and within three months she was gone. I couldn’t write about hope anymore.
Chapter 3: Grief Blog
This was a strange stage. I wrote very little. Unlike chapter two when wonderful people came into my life, this chapter brought the vulchers and the bottom feeders replacing the friendships I had developed when Molly was sick.
I was trying to deal with my own and my daughter’s grief, work full time and have a social life. Sucked at all of them at a same time but just when I was about to give up, I remembered molly’s last conversation with her oncologist before she died. “I wanna go back to raising my kids and back to work”. She never gave up, even when she was days away from death. Molly never saw herself as a cancer patient. If I gave up now, cancer would win. I gave up having a social life, I gave up having a career and just concentrated on healing my children and myself.
Chapter 4: Hope Blog
There are a lot of cancer blogs, there are a lot of Grief Blogs, but there are no blogs about what happens to the us afterward. Part of that is because people love the image of grieving widows and widowers. The fact I grew to hate quickly. As I have said before Living is Not Forgetting.
I think about Molly everyday, I have a hole in my heart which will never be filled, but I am happy. I am in a healthy relationship, my daughters are thriving and I have a job which will make lung cancer screening a routine blood exam. Imagine a future with no stage 4 Lung Cancer. Losing your spouse sucks, but I am the living proof that you can be happy again. It was a combination of good luck and lots of hard work.
When my coworkers asked me to come to Boston in November with the girls, I went with even though I knew it was gonna be cold and not a good time to take off work. Both turned out true, Boston was freezing and it really pissed off my old boss. But if I hadn’t gone, Madison would have never met Jennifer, would have never invited her back to California for her birthday……Going to Boston was not planned, it was spontaneous and risky.
In a month we will be starting a new life in a new state. I always wanted to live in the East Coast, but never planned on it. I am done making plans, I am done making God laugh. Here is to the unknown.
This blog will continue not as a cancer blog, not as a grief blog, but as a Hope Blog. Hope for being happy again after a major loss. There are quite a few of us out there.