Last week one of my daughter’s had her annual physical check ups. As she is now 12, pediatrician wanted to speak one on one with her so I left the room.While I was waiting out side I started wondering what tales of horror they could be talking about. This felt like a six months single parenting quiz, and my college test anxieties suddenly returned the me.
After what seemed like an hour, the doctor came and took me to her office. Before I could say a word she said ” She is doing fantastic, how did you do It?” This was true, both of my daughters have flourished past year, both academically and socially. In some ways they have been dealing with Molly’s loss better than me, it is surprising how happy all of us are given the hell we had gone through.
Honestly I don’t know if I have done anything special, girls and I have always had open communication so that may have helped, but I don’t think that’s the main reason. We have also had family, and the village’s support , but doubt that’s it also. The answer came to me few days later while I was listening to my new Beatles record. As cliche that it may sound the answer was “Let it Be”. Confused? Let me explain.
I have always heard that people wanted me to be happy. Sometimes I ask, tell me how do you see me happy? It’s funny that often times how people envision me happy is a lot different than how I envision myself happy. Let’s be clear before I make any big decisions I consider how it affects my children’s happiness, but the buck stops there. While I appreciate honest opinions I am not asking for approval. Trust and respect my decisions.
So how can happiness and grief coexist at a same time? Simple answer is they can. Yesterday was the seventh months anniversary of Molly’s passing, and also one of the happiest days of my life. Does this mean I have forgotten about Molly? The answer is no, there is not a day that passes l don’t shed a tear for her. I don’t think I will ever stop, but I can also be happy. The girls and I talk about Molly in present tense, concentrate on the love we had for her, and not what we are missing. We smile, we laugh and yes sometimes cry. Don’t pity us admire us, chances are we are doing better than you think.
When I felt I had no control, and everything was falling apart I decided to take Paul McCartney’s advice and “Let it be”. Since then, despite suffering the biggest tragedy of my life I have learned that universe gives what it takes. When something impossible fell into my lap, I decided to Let it be and go with my heart. Yesterday I was sad, but it was also one of the happiest days of my life.