Ok I just realized I haven’t posted anything funny in weeks. This is partially because last week was a horrible week. It started with the death of a 26 year old from LC and then a friend’s brain mets. Also Molly having scans this week has not been a party starter either. Then last night I saw my five year old walking around the house in jeans, pink cowgirl boots, and wife beaters. I just started laughing, it looked funny and also reminded me of one of my college roommate Dave. Dave had the size and IQ of a pick up truck, but he was the nicest guy in the world.
If you read my San Luis Obispo blog, you know I went to Cal Poly. Although known as an engineering school, Cal Poly is actually a major Agriculture university. Dave was an Animal Science major and every morning at 5:00AM rain or shine he would get up to feed the pigs. Also every morning before class I would wake up to the delightful odor of pig feces resinating from Dave’s boots. It was just awful. I’d yell, Dave put your f*cking boots outside.
Dave also had a huge appetite, at six foot ten he needed a lot of food to survive. One night we went to a party and as usual Dave drowned himself in spicy food & Coors Light. After the party, unable to drive we started the long walk back to the dorms. Half way back to the dorms all the beer and spicy food hit Dave like a torpedo. This event in popular culture is referred to as “Explosive Diarrhea”. Needless to say when ED hits, you have minutes before you need to find a bathroom. Unfortunately we were in the middle of nowhere with no public bathrooms in site. Luckily Dave noticed a dark construction site and ran in for the drop.
I hung around for few minutes, yelling obscenities at him (they can not be repeated here). About five minutes later Dave walked out looking as white as a ghost. Only words he could mumble was, “take me to the hospital now”. I asked Dave what he had done and he mumbled, “Do you know the pink fluffy stuff they use for insulation?” I said “yes”. he said “I just wiped my butt with it”. I yelled, you wiped your ass with fiberglass? Then started laughing hysterically, as any good friend would do in a similar situation.
We walked very slowly to the emergency room, I think we made their night. A nurse had to surgiccaly remove fine pieces of glass from Dave’s butt. I unfortunately could not witness this historical procedure as I was not immediate family . Afterward Dave begged me not to tell anyone about what happened, so naturally by Monday everyone knew.
Dave had to spend the next three weeks using an inflatable donut to sit, and every bowl movement for him was a painful adventure. For the rest of the year, Dave was referred to as “fiberglass man” by all his friends. I actually think he got a personolized license plate stating his new nickname.