I went out last week-end.………no…..really……. I went out last week-end. For those of you who are thinking BFD let me explain. For us parents going out to an adult oriented function is a very special and rare occasion. Closest we get to a real party is our kids birthday parties. I am amazed how your wildest friends in college once blessed with parenthood go from Jay Z & Beyonce to Phil & Claire Dunphy at kid birthday parties. The atmosphere is very rated G as parents are trying to set a good example for their kids. I guess an image of your mom doing keg stand at your birthday party can have a lasting effect on you.
OK back to me going out last week-end. Last year after Molly was diagnosed with cancer, she wanted to make sure that I get out and have fun once in a while to relive the stress of being a caretaker. Molly being the best wife in the world set me up on a play-date with one of her best friends Nanette. Nanette and her two other single lady friends invited me to come along on their bimonthly outings. We usually meet for a mellow dinner and wrap it up early because I don’t like getting home too late and waking up everybody. You may ask, “you go out with buncha girls?” To that I will say men and women can be friends (this is 2014), and also as much as I enjoy a methane filled evening with the boys, I like going out with these ladies. They are the “Three Musketeers” and have gracefully accepted me as their fourth wheel.
Last week-end was different though, Molly, the girls and even the dachshund all went to grandma’s house and left me alone with no responsibilities. Last week was scan week and those of you familiar with scan anxiety know how stressful they can be. Fortunately Molly had great scan results and I needed a night out. It was also a tough week for the “Three Musketeers” and they wanted to let some steam out, so instead of going to our usual mellow dinner we decided to go out for a wild night out in the town.
The evening started out great. We went to a posh restaurant in San Francisco where we had dinner and drinks. After dinner we had a great conversation with a group of young people we met at the restaurant’s bar . Now if we were smart we would have just stayed there and enjoyed the rest of the evening, but no we decided to be wild and go to the club across the street. I should have known something was wrong when the XXXL bouncer at the door charged me $10 but let the girls in for free. This practice, although completely illegal is a way for clubs to make sure their establishment is not a complete sausage fest, i.e. all men and no women. It must have not worked for this club though, because the place still had a lot higher margin of men than women. When I walked in with three well dressed women the scene can only be described as a zombie movie where a group of zombies (in this case bunch of horny drunk men) see an alive human and start stumbling toward them. I suddenly had lots of new friends who were interested in buying me drinks so they can meet my female friends. The straw was when one of the Musketeers ditched me with two very drunk Mexican brothers (claimed they were Argentines), who started telling me about the size of their penises. I asked if this information was for me or for my friend, and one of them replied (while winking) “It can be for both of you if you like”. OK, we are out of here!!!
We went back to the posh restaurant for another hour and decided to call it the night. After dropping off one of the Musketeers home, I noticed an all night Taqueria and being a huge burrito connoisseur I decided to treat myself to a 2 AM carne assada zeppelin. I drove home and fell sleep with a very full stomach. Well as you can imagine the Hindenburg decided to blow up sometimes in the middle of night and I was woken up to a three alarm fire in my stomach at around 7AM. All I can say is that I’m very glad the bathroom is close to my side of the bed.
The evening as Barney Stinson would describe was legendary, but right now I am really looking forward to my friend son’s 5th birthday party this week-end. Maybe they will have face painting.